Lyrics from Josh Garrel's song, The Resistance:

"Lesson number one, overcome Every fear of regret and confusion It’s all illusion, delusion Sent to disconnect the holy fusion Of spirit and the flesh Every mortal breath, is meant to bring forth fire But only when the fear of death, gets consumed On the funeral pier So let the flames rise higher"

sounds, movement, and wonder

Wrote this last night as I travelled home from my first visit with Christina and Andrew's little baby girl Tehya:

I climb up to the top deck, walk all the way to the back of the ship and watch and wait as the boat prepares to leave.

The gong of a bell and the mumbling of pipes. The engine starts and the water gurgles, bubbles, splashes, and foams. The muscles of the big ship shift and groan as slowly the movement begins. The clink and clank of metal hitting metal, gears, shifting, doors closing; every gear in its order, ever moment perfectly timed to push the monstrous boat from shore.

For whatever reason, I think instantly about sitting waiting for the orchestra. The first ring of the departure bell reminds me of the first tentative notes as the orchestra warms up. This is always my favourite part; the horns toot and whistle and instruments each begin to jump in. The discord and beauty of that moment, as the pipes, drums, strings, bells, and horns make their initial noises before the show begins. The anticipation of it all overwhelms me. The intensity of each note from each separate instrument is evident as they twist and swirl around each other in power and strength. The glory of it all as it begins to harmonize, grow, build develop, and take off. Every initial dissonant note comes together in an amazing organization of sound and musical texture. It always amazes me.

Today I stand looking down at the surging water and amaze at the wonder of this ship. My mind pays tribute to the human achievement of this moment-how every part comes together to work in such harmony...and then, I think back to the tiny little baby I held in my arms today; her sweet face, her expressive mouth, her strong long limbs; three days old and a perfect wonder. Amazement is relative.

These past two days have been lazy days. I have been catching up on my sleep...aka. sleeping til noon. I do have one exam left but its on the 16 and im not feeling the pressure yet on that.

I started packing up my room today. It felt quite good to get some of that out of the way. This place has never felt remotely homey to me, and i am looking forward to leaving it as soon as i can. Its weird because im usually the type of person who gets attached to places. I honestly think i will feel nothing but relief to drive away from here. It just isnt the proper fit for me. It hasnt been since the beginning. I hope that Tom, Spencer, Robyn and i find a good alternative. I hope next year is better all round.

looking for a summer job has commenced in a major way. I had already applied for three jobs but now is time for follow up and more hard searching. I want to find something before the week is done. I have a job offer at a bakery I worked at last year. I really like the lady i was working for and its only a ten minute drive away....but i really want to find something closer to my area of study. however, it is good to know if all else fails i have a good job. Im pretty lucky actually.

anywhooooo.........back to watching cheesy movies on youtube

Here's the breakdown-

I just ate two grilled cheese sandwiches. The bread was so stale and gross that inevitably they just became vehicles for ketchup. Sweet tomatoy goodness!

Ive managed to stay on top of my papers thus far, and all of them have been handed in on time. *wild applause!!!!*
I have two papers left. I have started neither of them. One is a film paper, and one is a comparisson between abstract expressionism and pop art. Thankfully because the film paper is on a movie ive already seen, and the teacher in my modern art class specifically said we were to write the paper based on our readings, Research is not necessary. That being said, I remember nothing from those readings and I think they were both close to 100 pages...and also...I kind of dont care about either pop art or abstract expressionism.

So I have an essay due tomorrow, and then i have an exam tuesday, essay due wednesday, 2 exams thursday, 1 exam friday....let drunkeness ensue.....last exam on the 16......a few weeks to figure some shit out, find a place, hang out with some people, camp on newcastle island???? and then home...exhale.

I just spooned the ketchup left on my plate into my mouth...more sugar than ice cream baby, more sugar than ice cream!

So...um yeah. Im at the library right now working on an essay. Im nearly done but finding i have no ideas what im writing anymore. Thus, i needed to take a break. Breaks are key to the survival of my brain. I find im not really one of those who can stay up all night and pump out an essay. At some point my brain just shuts off, and then im no longer capable of forming sentences.

I have also noticed that if i allow myself to think past the task at hand i inevitably panic. Therefore i am living in the now, and just getting things done one step at a time. that being said, i am very much aware that the end of school is rapidly appraoching. When that blessed friday arrives, after i finish what will inevitable be my week of hell, i shall happy dance myself to the pub and drink myself silly...anyone want to join me????

"...deep down I wished it would rain..."

You know how sometimes the fog just lifts from your brain? things that once felt impossible and overwhelming are no longer so. people seem more approachable. Rain seems lovely and not a deterant. yesterday, I woke up and i was happy to hear the sound of rain falling against the house. Today i woke up early in order to wake spencer up for work and I didnt have to leave for school for a couple hours. sometimes having the time to blow dry my hair makes all the difference. Then i was heading to the bus when i realised i hadnt eaten anything so i deaked into a coffee shop and ended up having delicious french toast. class was interesting, and after class i ran into an old friend from my yukon college days... Im having one of those days. God knows I still have 4 papers on the go and im sure the stress will return, but for now, Im happy to bask in the 'right side of the bed' day im having.


"Narrow daylight entered my room
Shining hours were brief
Winter is over
Summer is near
Are we stronger than we believe?"

I am having a shitty week.

The good news:
I have discovered that even when I am at my very lowest trying not to cry in public, a man in a leather jacket, grooving out to himself as he sings under his breath-
"Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today..." -can bring a laugh to my lips and lift my spirits.