These past two days have been lazy days. I have been catching up on my sleep...aka. sleeping til noon. I do have one exam left but its on the 16 and im not feeling the pressure yet on that.

I started packing up my room today. It felt quite good to get some of that out of the way. This place has never felt remotely homey to me, and i am looking forward to leaving it as soon as i can. Its weird because im usually the type of person who gets attached to places. I honestly think i will feel nothing but relief to drive away from here. It just isnt the proper fit for me. It hasnt been since the beginning. I hope that Tom, Spencer, Robyn and i find a good alternative. I hope next year is better all round.

looking for a summer job has commenced in a major way. I had already applied for three jobs but now is time for follow up and more hard searching. I want to find something before the week is done. I have a job offer at a bakery I worked at last year. I really like the lady i was working for and its only a ten minute drive away....but i really want to find something closer to my area of study. however, it is good to know if all else fails i have a good job. Im pretty lucky actually.

anywhooooo.........back to watching cheesy movies on youtube

Here's the breakdown-

I just ate two grilled cheese sandwiches. The bread was so stale and gross that inevitably they just became vehicles for ketchup. Sweet tomatoy goodness!

Ive managed to stay on top of my papers thus far, and all of them have been handed in on time. *wild applause!!!!*
I have two papers left. I have started neither of them. One is a film paper, and one is a comparisson between abstract expressionism and pop art. Thankfully because the film paper is on a movie ive already seen, and the teacher in my modern art class specifically said we were to write the paper based on our readings, Research is not necessary. That being said, I remember nothing from those readings and I think they were both close to 100 pages...and also...I kind of dont care about either pop art or abstract expressionism.

So I have an essay due tomorrow, and then i have an exam tuesday, essay due wednesday, 2 exams thursday, 1 exam friday....let drunkeness ensue.....last exam on the 16......a few weeks to figure some shit out, find a place, hang out with some people, camp on newcastle island???? and then home...exhale.

I just spooned the ketchup left on my plate into my mouth...more sugar than ice cream baby, more sugar than ice cream!

So...um yeah. Im at the library right now working on an essay. Im nearly done but finding i have no ideas what im writing anymore. Thus, i needed to take a break. Breaks are key to the survival of my brain. I find im not really one of those who can stay up all night and pump out an essay. At some point my brain just shuts off, and then im no longer capable of forming sentences.

I have also noticed that if i allow myself to think past the task at hand i inevitably panic. Therefore i am living in the now, and just getting things done one step at a time. that being said, i am very much aware that the end of school is rapidly appraoching. When that blessed friday arrives, after i finish what will inevitable be my week of hell, i shall happy dance myself to the pub and drink myself silly...anyone want to join me????

"...deep down I wished it would rain..."

You know how sometimes the fog just lifts from your brain? things that once felt impossible and overwhelming are no longer so. people seem more approachable. Rain seems lovely and not a deterant. yesterday, I woke up and i was happy to hear the sound of rain falling against the house. Today i woke up early in order to wake spencer up for work and I didnt have to leave for school for a couple hours. sometimes having the time to blow dry my hair makes all the difference. Then i was heading to the bus when i realised i hadnt eaten anything so i deaked into a coffee shop and ended up having delicious french toast. class was interesting, and after class i ran into an old friend from my yukon college days... Im having one of those days. God knows I still have 4 papers on the go and im sure the stress will return, but for now, Im happy to bask in the 'right side of the bed' day im having.


"Narrow daylight entered my room
Shining hours were brief
Winter is over
Summer is near
Are we stronger than we believe?"

I am having a shitty week.

The good news:
I have discovered that even when I am at my very lowest trying not to cry in public, a man in a leather jacket, grooving out to himself as he sings under his breath-
"Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today..." -can bring a laugh to my lips and lift my spirits.

Lisa's Fantasy d'jour

Ideally;
-I win the lottery
-I buy a beautiful yet intimate house on a island in the mediterrainean
-There is a guest house next to it for my family and my friends who visit me often
-I read all the books I ever planned to
-I write bad poetry and silly stories
-I entertain visiting friends with adventures and much good wine
-From time to time I excursion to archeological digs
-I help with restoration projects on small nearby islands
-I learn to cook fantastic and local cuisine
-I grow my own vegetables
-Twice a year I return to the Yukon to see my family (Christmas, and some portion of the summer)
-I spend my free time making jams, jellys, chutneys, pickles...and soap (which I sell in local craft fairs)
-I have a small boat which is docked on my own personal beach
-I make friends with local musicans who regularily join me for bonfires/music jams

But in actuality I would be satisfied just to know:
-My family is happy and healthy
-My friends are happy and healthy
And that is my true ideal.

Today I wrote the most bullshit exam ever. It was twice the length of my normal exams and I went into it having less to say than normal. Needless to say there was plenty of bullshiting taking place. -blarghhhh word vomit!

I am presently eating celery, because apparently I have no self control and have to eat constantly.... it was celery sticks or finish off the tray of brownies. And having already eaten half the brownies, I opted for a more healthy alternative. Celery is disapointing....

It was a strange day weather wise -Crazy snow, rain, weird clouds, and interesting light.

I should have spent this time starting an essay or applying for a summer job

I was thinking on the bus ride home that I could probably count the # of words I have spoken out loud today. And sure enough:
To bus driver- 2 (thank you)
In first class- 0
In computer lab- 0
to people on corner trying to get students to register to vote-12
To another bus driver- 4 (have a nice day)
to robbins parking lady- 13
to next bus driver- 2
To cashier in cafeteria- 2
In second class- 0
to 2 people who held the door for me- 4 (thank you to each)
In last class-0
to final bus driver- 2

Total: 41 words

I need to slow down or Im going to hurt my vocal chords.....

little bits

My landlady came down today to tell me she hates mammograms, and that in case I heard her yelling, thats what it was about. I think she was trying to make peace with me after our last encounter ( her nervous breakdown about tom's car). I was not enticed by her mammogram talk/olive branch. Im a little confused. Im sorry margaret, try harder. The good news-apparently there are more awkward people than me.

Its official, I am going to escape this place. Spencer and Tom and I ARE going to live together next year and this makes me sooooooo happy. I told my grandmother last night I was going to be living with two boys, and although I think she was a little surprised, she said something along the lines of them being able to protect me...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

My mother has one week left in costa rica. I will see her next sunday and I am more excited than I can even express. Yesterday she forwarded this message to me from a friend in the yukon who had apparently had a misadventure while travelling in the uk and needed money to get her out of a bad situation. I was immediately sucpicous about it and alerted my dad to investigate. It turns out it was a scam and an attempt at identity theft. scary shit!

haHAAAAA

I wish i knew more about wine. Although... part of me likes that I can enjoy a cheap bottle of wine. I watched the movie "Bottle Shock" last night (on my laptop, hidding under my covers- so as not to keep my land lords awake). decent movie. It made me want to drink and taste wine, and drive through wine counrty, and live in a small shack,and sit under scraggly trees, and drink wine out of cheap cups, and explore and, and, and....We have to go wine tasting!

In other news, my n key on my computer is sticky and sometimes it doesnt work. This drives me crazy! However, I noticed that saying words without the ns in them makes one sound like they have a cold (especially the word things...thigs). haHAA.

Also, I feel like adding a victorious Ha Ha to everythig I say these past two days. Its a haha like one has uncovered the final clue thereby saving the day and solving the mystery.
example;

-Ive just made brownies. haHAA
-I kicked ass on my mid term today. haHAA
-I talked to a cute boy yesterday. ha HAA
-he rented me said movie"bottle shock." ha HAA
- My landlords are watching "The Darjeeling limited" upstairs, and I can tell because of the music. ha HAA...fantastic bloody movie- my landlords have just steped up from hideously annoying to slightly human in my estimation
-I like cheese. ha HAA

When one says "ha HAA"- it is important to raise one finger victoriously above ones head (actually, kind of reminicent of the "times nine" finger swirl/raise) it makes everything more satisfying. haHAA

Goodnight folks. I must return my movie.

THE LENGTHS- THE BLACK KEYS

tell me where you're goin or
what is going wrong
I felt you leavin before
you'd even gone
and hold me now
or never ever hold me again
no more talk
can take me from this pain I'm in
see the moonlight shinin on
your window pane
see it leave you as
faithful as it came
please yourself so you
don't have to be afraid
make amends
or carry on another way
tell me what you were thinkin
to treat somebody so
the care he took the
lengths to which he'd go
coals are hot to walk
across without your shoes
but in the end
know that you got nothin to lose

More song lyrics....

Ron sexsmith-Blade of grass

I'd like to think I'm moving forward, towards a house that's built to last.
Though to you it seems I'm wandering blind, chewing on this blade of grass.

And when the wolf is at my door, I'd like to think I'm in good hands.
To all appearences I'm out of my mind, maybe I'm green as this blade of grass.

We ask ourselves these questions, where no answers can be found.
If I'm moving in the wrong direction, well I'll just turn around

I'd like to think I'm moving forward, towards a song that's built to last.
Maybe I'll never see the bottom line, maybe it's all in this blade of grass.
Though to you it seems I'm wandering blind, chewing on this blade of grass

So Tasia and i were talking at the pub yesterday about "memory trails". How we learn certain patterns and they get cemented in our brains, and then it is hard to change our "trail"/route. when we find ourselves in similar situations we tend to revert to the "path" we are already familiar with. I am sick of this "trail" i am sick of wanting so despreatly to break my bad habits and having such a hard time forming new and healthy habits.
I am scared of everything. Im scared of worthwhile things. I am really good at making excuses or alternative plans. I am really good at handling disappointment to the point that i have steered myself to many a dissapointment on purpose. I am really good at sticking to my bad habits. I am terrible at change.

I know this but I continue to follow my mislaid "trails". Being aware of your shit doesnt necessarily mean you can work through it.

"So we parted. I wrote my phone number on her palm. She said she would think of me as she washed her hands."
- A line from the book I am reading. I thought it was nicely put. I thought it was amusing.

This week of school has been good. I am settling back so fast that i seem to have skipped that period at the beginning when one is anxious to be a good student. I have skipped to that place, that usually happens after a couple of weeks, where ones decided they would rather watch karate kid 2 on youtube than read a chapter of that pricey textbook the teacher deemed worthy of eating up all our spare time.

It is he first day back to classes and i am wasting time on the computer. My first class was enjoyable. teacher has an english accent-thiss always serves to make an un exceptional looking person slightly more attractive....why is this?


I had dinner with my grandmother last night. Not being around her for 3 weeks seems to have put me out of practice for dealing with her bullshit. I almost jumped down her throat when she made some side commment to her friends about me sometimes squeezing in some time to come see her....Ahhh I see her more than any other person!


I have 3 classes back to back starting at 2:30
I guess i will start mendering over there now.........
hmmmmmm okay