Happy New Years

This is a picture of New Years a few years ago.

I actually hate New Years Eve. My ideal New Years is cuddled up alone with a book and my own thoughts. That being said, we are having a party of sorts here with a bonfire, hot tub, and musical instruments. I'm sure it will be fine...probably even fun.

Resolutions:
* Join fencing and give it a go
* Keep up with my assignments so i don't get an ulcer
* Go on a date some time this year

Doing Nothing (with a few exceptions)

The only unfortunate thing about doing nothing for a week is that one has very little to tell people about in a blog.
I guess it is a bit of a lie that i have done nothing.
-On Saturday Rae and i went out for martinis(aka. checking out a guy we went to high school with who has become cute)
-we went dancing
-we had drinks bought for us. A first for me. However... a) I was driving so couldn't drink them and b) The bar we were in was only inhabited by people above the age of 40 so i was kind of grossed out.
-I joined Colin and his roommates when they had a bunch of people over for dinner
-I decorated the house for Christmas
-I tried out my Mom's cross country ski trails
-I made delicious Christmas cookies
-I went to an old family friends Birthday party
-I was in the hot tub under a full(and very bright)moon!

Robin is done school on Friday, which is also the day the ski hill opens.
Colin and his girlfriend are coming out on Sunday to help us get a tree.

Things are shaping up for a very enjoyable holidays.

Love to you all

perspective

It is unfortunate, i think, that while going through somethings(how vague hey?) we are uncapable of seeing the nature of those "things" realistically. For example: End of term craziness has me so wrapped up in stress, that part of me is completley convinced it will never end. However much i try, all i can think about is this daunting set of tasks in my way of going home. All other predicaments seem trivial. I know in 7 days when i get on the plane...or perhaps more likely the next day lying in my bed, i will look back and wonder how it ever seemed so impossible. I look back on some of the gut wrentching moments in my life in wonder that i got so wrapped up in them. It is strange how little those things mean to me now. Reading my sporatic journal entries, i inevitably come across depressing entry after depressing entry, and half of the events which caused such heartbreak are funny to me now. its funny how time can change our perspective on things.

However, this can work both ways...It can make things from the past seem less signifigant than they felt at the time, or it can help you realise some of the more imortant things you never gave credit to. For example: I always told myself I wasnt in love with my culinary school friend marc. I made myself believe that i fooled myself into liking him, that i was just looking for someone to get me over adam. yet, now i realise, i did love him. I realise I was denying it because I was embarassed. In actuality marc was my biggest heartbreak (couldnt eat, could sleep, couldnt breathe, couldnt think about anything else) i just got over him faster. he let me know where i stood, and i moved on. Thank god. Man I miss him, in addition to being one of the great (unrequited) loves of my life, he was also one of my very best friends, and one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

In regards to school....Im trying to change my perspective before time brings the inevitable change anyway. Id like to get there on my own this time.
Today I wondered:
How did I let myself forget I like writing exams?
how did I forget I have an opinon and a voice?
When did I forget Im not supposed to know it all, or be a perfect student?
How and when did I forget I could enjoy learning?

Im sad I probably wont get to see [m]any of you before I leave
I hope you are dealing with the stress more gracefully than I.
love always
Lisa

Words kidnapped me! BEWARE- VERY RANDOM!

There is a book of poems called "Good Poems For Hard Times"
I read the introduction to it in the book store one day and it has stuck with me.

My grandmother clips things out of the newspaper if they remind her of one of us.
Every once in a while we get these packages of oddly disconnected newspaper articles.
The only clue stringing them together is ourself. The odd mish and mangle of interests and talents which define us.

I would like to collect words. I would like to save them up in all their disconnectedness...
and one day, I would like to mail them off in all directions...
or read them aloud on rainy afternoons.
Perhaps we could drink tea
we could talk about the weather
about our lives

I always lose my words when Im around you

If you could take comfort from words
I would send them instead of coming to visit
Im an unqualified replacement for wisdom
I should take a summer class

I would collect introductions:
"hello
"bonjour"
"good day"
"Jon this is Cynthia...Cynthia meet Jon."
"nice shoes!"
"could you tell me the way to the bus stop?"

"Miserable day isn't it?"
"Yes, but I kind of like the rain actually." -'me too,' I think to myself (it reminds me of you)
"A good day for tea!"
"Yes...(an introduction)
"Tell me about your life"
He smiles. She smiles. I catch them smiling and I smile.

He wears a sweater and he smiles in the rain. I love him.
The fire crackles and the wind blows, but I only hear the story unfold
I'm collecting his words...do you think he will mind?

A Random Selection of Facts

Things you probably never knew about me:

-I like airplane food. I like the little compartments. I like the bland frozenesque flavour.
-I also like tv dinners. I am secretly excited when people Im house sitting or babysitting for have them, and tell me to help myself to whatever.
-An honest smile from a stranger(any stranger) is one of the things I love most in the world
-One of the most memorable compliments I have ever recieved was a few years ago from two homeless men who thought I couldnt hear them. ("gorgeous girl")
-Ive never felt prettier than that moment
-I love cheesy christmas/halloween/thanksgiving made for tv movies. I seek them out.
-corky romano is one of my all time favorite movies.
-I hate sexy halloween outfits... mostly because they are so unoriginal, but a little because I cant pull them off.
-Im horribly stubborn!
-I refused to take the bus to school as a kid/teenager (except perhaps once.) I was too scared, and felt like it was just one more place I was unpopular/ignored. I told my parents it was because it added a hour on either side of my school day...which was true... and I hated it for the aformentioned reason.
-In contrast, I love taking the city bus. Nobody knows me and I can daydream immpossible interactions with them.
-Ive kissed 4 people in my life one at age 20, one at age 21, one at age 23 and one at age 25
(yes, so those first two werent solitary makeouts sessions...but the last two were)
-If I were to add up the amount of my life Ive been in a relationship, it would be less than 6 months
-If I were to count up the time it took me to get over adam ... it would be 3 years.
-I could probabaly make a list as long as im tall of all the things Im afraid of...most are things im afraid of doing
- The thing I hate most about myself is my lack of courage.
-I love liver and onions, especially if smoothered in bacon.
-As a child I once ordered liver and onions at a restaurant, and no one would believe thats what I actually wanted.
-I was born pidgeon toed and had to wear feet braces as a child.
-I also had braces on my teeth (not worth it!)
-when Im talking politics on the phone I almost always think of the possibility of my conversation being recorded..even though I have very little of interest to say
-As a child I hated french fries. It wasnt until I was about 15 that I started liking them.
- A couple summers ago I faced a period of anxiety/depression. Now that Ive past through that depression, most of my time/energy is spent avoiding falling back into it.
-I will never underestimate the power of depression...it is despair
-I admire most the people who are fearless of making themselves vulnerable.
-I see this as a complete embrace of life in all its strange contradictions.
-Even though I long for that abandon...I am too scared!
-Im secretly excited on days so rainy I get to wear my raincoat.
-Im jealous of every person I see walking a dog.
-I once owned a turtle and two salamanders... the slamanders climbed out of their cage and got stuck under the piano where we found them months later completly dried out.
- As a child I wanted to be a detective...As a teenager I wanted to be a film director...Now I have no idea

A random selection of facts.

observations/judgements

The other day I saw a man in the mall food court. He carried a tim hortons tray...and on that tray: Two Boston Cream donuts, a medium hot beverage cup(coffee?) and one package of crackers. He sat alone at a table with hands clasped and eyes closed in quiet prayer/reflection(?). He remained so for a couple of moments, then opening his eyes he hungrily dug into the package of crakers. After he was done these, he happily moved on to the donuts. Its a bit creepy, I suppose, that I was so focused on this man for such a long period of time, but I like people watching and I dont think he noticed. I hope I was more subtle than my observations would indicate.
He made me smile.
He made me think of the assumptions I make about people based on my limited observation of them.

Tomorrow is the American election. I wonder, how little we actually know about the candidates? How much of the observations we have of them are false or put on? I wonder, how much below the surface we are unaware of?

I had a fantastic weekend. Thank you.

I had dinner with Tasia tonight. It was wonderful lasagna. Thank you Tasia.

hello again

hello
So i just found out that all my classes are cancelled today. Im thrilled to have an extra day to my weekend. now hopefully i use it to catch up on all th many thing i am behind on.

I had a great weekend. My uncle was in town from montreal and i got to hang out with him. saturday we went to goldstream and watched all the rotting fish. we hiked a little, and i realise how much i missed that. it was a beauitful day with leaves falling down and getting caught in the water. they flowed downstream in blankets of leaves like quilts. the sun was beaming through the branches, the air was warm and fragrant, the forest was everchanging, tall massive trees were swinging slightly in the brezze. I loved it.

Yesterday we went sailing. Ive never been on a sail boat and have always wanted to. what a gorgeous day. 3 hours flew by. Our skipper's name was al, and other than him we were the only ones on board. we were bundled up in warm clothing and learning the ropes as it were. jibing and jibbing and tacking and steering. what fun!
It made me feel so removed from everything else. what a relaxing way to spent your day. one cant focus on lifes stress while hailing on ropes and changing the sails direction.

And now a surprise elongation of my weekend- to do all the homework i ignored while enjoying myself. what a wonderful way to start a week ...which will also end early since im coming to nanaimo, for macbeth maddness, on thursday!

Love you guys

so, i was thinking of ending these two years with a blog about loves as i started it with a blogg of my hates.....but last night i got started and three pages later i still wasnt finished. so, instead i decided to finish up with one of the old what i love about you-all posts.....thus phone list in hand i begin from the top:

Alex Pangburn I love your ambition and your love of theatre. Its Rare and refreshing to meet someone who actually feels something. I love that you are sarcastic and witty. That you care about us all. I love that you let yourself get excited about things. Im super proud of you
Aleisha Kalina i Love your sense of humor and your love of music
Allen Engst I love your dependability and determination to do your best. You have tried your best to prove everyone wrong and that takes so much courage.
Ashley Browning I love your sunny disposition and that you undeniably yourself and undeniably unique
Azusa Zabana I love our chats over coffee and your revelations about life and love. i love that you go for the things you want in a way im so scared of doing
Bahiyyah Egeli I love that i never felt unwelcome around you. you were always smiling
Biff Bartlett I love your sense of reality and your passion for life. I love that you werent scared to drop what you didnt love and go for it
Brad Poulsen i love that you told me how nervous you get before going on stage and how that made it easier for me to be on stage. I love that you balance a job, wife and school and always with a sense of humor
Brianna Akins I love how you keep a grasp on reality never getting too stuck in the theatre reality to make you bitter. I love your sense of humor and your willingness to do anything.
candice jones i love how you are always smiling and laughing
Carerra Schroeder i love your cynical sense of humour and that you are brutally honest
Devin Whilhelmson I love your determination, how you work so hard on the things you love...this love and ambition will set you apart always
Eryn Yaromy I love that when you laugh you throw your head backwards in recklace abandon. I love that you are academicly driven and that you feel pride in the knowledge you have gained, never appologizing.
Frannie Reside I love your hardworking always smiling prsonality. love that you stick up for your friends in situations where others are putting them down. its truely honorable and refreshing.
Gabby Marquez I love your talk to anyone and everyone attitude, your love of life and your taste for adventure. You are a beautiful artist and i strive to be just a little like you. honored to meet you...oh..and i love your back massages...heaven!
James Smart I love your sense of honor and your determination to do right. you may be mocked for it, but dont let it go.
Jill Marsh I love your wit and your childlike enthusiasm i wish i retained some of it. I love your love of the simple things and your watchful thoughtful presence.
Jo Chivers I love your inteligence and your hard working self. I love your sweetness. people may seem to put you in other boxes, but never underestimate this side of yourself, it is honorable. it is beautiful.
Kaitlyn O'Neill I love your embrace of the things you love. I love your giggle.
Karley Wolfort I love the hidden side of yourself-your vulnerable side. I love that you put that past you and work your butt off. I love that you are the kind of person who can enjoy swings
Kaylee Norn. I love your sense of humour and your sense of yourself. I think it is one of the rarest and most beautiful things to find someone with that strong sense of self. it is envieable and it is admirable. i envy it and admire it.
Kelsey Brown I love your honest and hardworking, kick some ass personality. I love that you just dont give a shit...but you really do.
Kim Philips I love your embrace of people and places and your caring nature. I love how emotional you are and how passionate you are. I love that you are a true friend to those you consider friends and you enjoy the simple things in life...like dancing on an empty dance floor.
Kylan Bezaire I love that your gruff outer shell hides one of the most loving and sensitive people. I love that you let us past that gruff side so we see it. I love your ability to laugh and enjoy the simple things
Laura-Lee Poulsen i love your style. i love your smile and how hardworking you are. I love that you balance a job, husband, and school, and that you are one of the people to always offer a smile.
Lee Schwartz I love that you take your career seriously and that you love it.
Lisa Vesina I love your generousity. I love the pride you take in your work and i love that you let your laugh consume you.
Madeline Hunter I love that you are both sweet and vindictive. that you are passionate about history and dance. I love that you put so much of yourself in those things and that you put so much of yourself in your friendships.
Martha Ward I love your go get it attitude. Your lack of fear and your artistic spirit.
Melanie Bilodeau I love your laugh and your desire for change. I love that you are determined to use your love of theatre to change the world. i love how you work your butt off to be a good student, actress, mother, and citizen(of the world) and are always your beautiful self.
Nabil Boschman I love that you do what you want and are what you want to be. I love that you dont appologize for being religious.
Nathaniel Parry i love that you dance using martial arts moves. I love that you dance. I love that you embrace the things you are doing and working on.
Nikki Lock I love that you love so much. that you love the outdoors and embrace them. that you never seem to feel hard done by and you work your butt off. I love your joy and your quietness.
Pealanne Gray i love that even though i know very little about you i know you are sweet, hardworking and the kind of person that is nice to everyone.
Rich Smith I love that you have stayed out of the theatre craziness yet your hilarious anticts have been some of the most memorable parts of the year. I love your quiet yet always funny presence.
Robyn Cross I love your love of the written word and the ideas and characters which make up theatre. i love that you are always willing to help those of us less talented with words.
Spencer Sacht-Lund I love when i see the shy caring even a little scared spencer. I love talking food with you for hours and that you are the kind of person who loves food. I love that you share that love by cooking for so many of us. I love that you are interested in world affairs and that you embrace the religious side of yourself. I love when i see your loves. i love that you dont let my bitter side get to you, and you always help me laugh at myself. I love that you are honest with me.
Steph Ostler I love how you put so much of yourself into the day to day-Into your writing into your work into your friendships. I love your desire for adventure.
Tasia Scwarzre I love your soft side. I love your laugh. I love your love of music and your love of knowledge. I love that you never appologize for your inteligence.
Tommy Mairs I love that you love art. It makes me happeier than happy that you like talking about it and that i can let myself ramble about it. I love that you embrace the crazy moments in life and make an ass of yourself without ever making an ass of yourself.
Wendy Karpuik I love how determined you are. You are so talented and driven but never unapproachable and never arrogant. You make us all strive for something more.
Whitney Benson I love that you love the stage. That you love acting and that you put so much of yourself into it.
Zac Hasnaoui I love that you are blatantly yourself.
Rick I love that you are so weird. I love that you dont dance like you are appologizing. I love that you dance. i love that you never take to heart the things we make fun of you for. that you are always yourself. I love that you are up for adventures. I love that i canhave real conversations with you. that you care about real things. I love your willingness to try new things.
Tim Herron I love that your door was always open to hear my rants or rather my one rant spouted in different ways. I love that your teaching skill is accesable to everyone. I love that you make fun of us all in good fun. I love that you care about us and want us to suceed in our own ways
Leon Potter I love your way of telling stories, of enticing your audience. I love that you love theatre.
Eliza Gardiner I love that you try so much. That you think theatre can change the world and that you strive to be a part of it.
Ross Desprez I love that you are yourself and that you never shy away from being honest. I love that you work on theatre that you think makes a difference. I love that i leave the theatre program just a little bit better beacuse of the experiences your plays have provided me with.
Mike Taugher I love that you have been a supportive teacher these past two years. that you have given us experiences and direction to help us in the real world. I love that you laugh with and at us.

One week left

There is one week left of school! I am sure you are all aware of this. It is not meant to be an informative statement, but rather expressive of the anxiety which presents itself to me in this moment.
I have not yet finished my essay for theatre history. (It gets harder as the days pass) I have not yet made my tape for stagecraft. I have not yet searched for a job to entertain me once school is over. I have not yet made plans for the majority of my summer. I have not yet decided what i want to do next. I have not resigned myself to the goodbyes i will shortly have to make. In short, I am not ready. Last year at this time I was so ready! This year i am drifting. I think its partially because i am staying here until june and havent yet had to abandon my roots here. Part of me is in transition to leave and part of me is nesting...it is confusing even to me. I think a big part of this duality of mind is that fact that i want to move ON not backwards, and so whitehorse doesnt present itself as such a great option for the end of my semester. I want to move on but am sure of what that means now.

not that it is new for me to be indescive... an overwhelming majority of my emotional state is spent in this state of mind. Something for me to continue to work on.

I have applied to UVIC for the fall (art history) We will see.

Much love
Lisa

Words that I love

"'Every so often I wonder what we are waiting for!'

Silence.

'For it to be too late, Madame'"
-Alessandro Barrico -"Ocean Sea"

"In another life,we will be able to be honest. We will be able to be silent."
- Alessandro Barrico -"City"

"To what will you look for help if you will not look to that which is stronger than yourself."
- C.S. Lewis

"The bravest are the tenderest-The loving the daring."

"I love those who yearn for the impossible."

Talking to a stranger on the bus.
Decent conversation
surprises me.
No names exchanged
just things Ive neglected to tell anyone close to me.
Hopes and fears.
Laughter.
Easy words pass and the time is gone.
A goodbye
and thank you.
Its over, this acquaintance. Finished
before it began.
no regrets to be had.
no needed or unneeded words.
Close chapter.
-Lisa Mennell

"You pray
so as not to remain alone
to while away the time.
You'd never dream that
God...
that God
likes to listen
to you.
Isn't That amazing.
You heard me.
You saved me."
- Alessandro Barrico -"Ocean Sea"

I had a quiet afternoon of contemplation today. Words seem lovelier than normal.

Steps to letting go- "You know you'll get on well once you've started over again"

Progress. That should be yesterdays headline. In so many ways yesterday was and is progress.
*The play,for one, seemed to take a step forward for the better...and i enjoyed it.
*for the fourth day in a row, i got up early to exercise, and i didnt feel like dying afterwards.
* i had a conversation with christina after rehearsal which seemed to be steps of progress for both of us. never thought i wouldnt be over him by now. i feel like i have been in the same position for sooo long. in so many ways. I have been almost over him for so friggin long. I have been at the begining of my education for so long. i have been making up my mind for so long. i have been nearly happy for so long. I have been on the edge of so many things for so long and im sick of it. And though last night did serve to stir up all the old lonlieness and some of the old feelings, i felt like christina had finally moved on, and maybe thats what i was holding on to. and maybe, thats all i needed to let go.

I hope so

Norah Jones
Don't Miss You at All

As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down
I don't miss you at all
I hear children playin' laughin' so loud
I don't think of your smile

So if you never come to me

You'll stay a distant memory
Out my window I see light doing dark

Your dark eyes don't haunt me

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm touch of your hand

And then I wonder who I am
Without the warm tough of your hand

As I sit and watch the snow
Fallin' down

I don't miss you at all
I don't miss you at all
I don't miss you at all

"poetry battle" award winning poem:

BEEF JERKY

Oh wonderous meat of goodness,
thou art the love of my soul.
Your dried juicy flavour caresses my taste buds
and gives joy to my tired being

You art the life giving, heartstopping
giver of pleasure

Take me away on the wings of ecstasy
As i take in the BBQed wonder
in the muscles of your essence

Be all you are...
...Be, Beef Jerky!

"I stepped out in a sunlit grove, Although deep down I wished it would rain"

And another afternoon in the library trying to avoid doing my homework. ive had a productive day thus far, full of laundry, cleaning, mailing and class.

I like raining days. i cleaned my house today listening to soft meloncholy melodic music. it makes me want to write cheesey poetry or stare out the window mournfully.. and sometimes i feel like doing that.

But now it is time to buckle down,(as my highschool english teacher was sooo fond of saying) and learn this art history stuff. I finally met up with jess...but im pretty sure her notes are useless,( i think i already have the ones she gave me...why the fuck did i think for one moment she was a good person to get notes from...my own stupid fault) so i will have to do research myself and figure it out. good thing i love it.

Kamloops:
good to see rae (we had some fun moments and a few good laughs)
good to see the ski hill(sun peaks-its cute and has a little ski villiage, and it makes me want to go skiing pretty despretly)
stayed in a nice place(a condo on the hill)
it had a hot tub
had a fun drunken evening( drank my contact lenses)
did some snowshoeing
too many hours on a bus
(crazy people on the bus are fun to laugh at secretly)
too many stupid people
(stupid people make you realse your love for not so stupid people and also makes you think...."if i dont actually like hanging out with certain people, then why do i?"

I love rae and it was good to see her but she is getting more and more bitter and more and more rude (to other people) and sometimes it makes it hard to be around her. she has caught herself in a continuous circle. she is bitter about the side effects of her own attitude. I think i am as well, and that means a slap in the face for me. snap out of it lisa. Life isnt crap!

love to you all....enjoy the meloncholy it is beautiful too

Lisa

resolutions

So busy!!!!....how come i decided this was a good thing for me?... the busy-ness only makes the stillness more noticable.

too busy to do the things i intended
3 resoulutions for the coming year:
DRAW MORE
WRITE MORE
EXCERCISE MORE

i have been on a couple walks with people and i cant express how much that has meant to me. how come i put off the things i know are good for me? the things which make me happy are put on the backburner in order to give prefrence to the mediocre. i think i will be happy that i experienced this month...but not until it is over and i dont have to face it anymore.

i am sorry so many of you are confused and sad...im sory so many of us are stressed. Im sorry i havent been the ear to listen or the person to lean on. I am proud to know you all...so different and so wonderful in your differences. keep growing...i pray i will as well.

love to you as always and forever